Though the year started out meh because of nonstop rain, I’m having a good year so far. I’ve dedicated myself to the horses, made decisions about college, careers and what I’m going to do with my life in the next two years. I’ve decided to take a gap year, find a decent job and invest myself 100% in the horses, my animals in general, and finding out what makes me the happiest. What makes me feel fulfilled. Like life is worth living and my dreams are worth chasing. Ransom has been a ginormous blessing in my life, bigger than I pictured. He’s made me see how much I love problem solving. Colt starting. Working with horses in general. I’ve been able to get over a lot of fears and for the first time in two years, I’m looking forward to continuing on and whenever I leave the barn, I leave happy. When I go, I’m not stressed, or scared, I’m looking forward to seeing my colt in the pasture, to working with him and the other horses. I’m excited for summer and more projects and spending long nights at the barn riding in my newly lit up arena.
I want to do this. I want this to be my life. Horses have always been one of the biggest parts of my life and I’ve gone to them on the hardest of days. I’ve gone to horses on their hardest days. I go to auctions and I see thousands of horses ready to go to slaughter for no good reason, and I want this to be my life. I want to offer them hope because that is what they’ve given me. On the days that I don’t want to get out of bed, or when I’m depressed or on the brink of a panic attack, I go to the barn.
Do I want to make a name in the horse world? Honestly, no. I just want to keep helping horses. I don’t care if I never make it to the NFR or to some amazing show as long as I’m helping horses. Problem solving, rehabilitating, that’s where my heart is. So I’m dedicating this year to that. I’m going to work hard, find a trainer that will allow me to work under them, to watch, learn and experience. Regardless of what people think of this, this is what I want to do with my life. I refuse to let my fears to continue to rule my life, I want to overcome them.
Maybe I’ll fail. Maybe I’ll fall. Maybe I’ll get in way over my head…but I’ll be chasing after who I am, and what I believe my heart is called towards. We’ll see how it goes.
I know that watching my colt go from wild to following me in the pasture in two months has been one of the most incredible experiences of my life. That every time we make another step forward in training, I feel more fulfilled than ever. I know that learning from Red has been something that has taught me in every area of my life, even outside of horses. That Shalom still effects my life, that even Zippy taught me a lot about horses and how we can’t judge a book by it’s cover. That it’s okay to give up at times, and ask for help.
I’m tired of waiting for my confidence to magically come back, so I’m pushing myself. With or without confidence, I ride, and I can feel it come back gradually every time I step into the stirrups or hop on bareback. I’m riding different horses, I’m working with Ransom. Before long, I’ll be back into regular lessons whenever I can afford it. Whatever helps, whatever gets me closer to the life I want to live.