So, life has taken some turns since I last updated y’all on mom. The day after I updated, her tailbone/pelvis area starting hurting extremely bad. My mother is tough, and despite her not being able to take pain medication, she really doesn’t let much stop her. Getting her to be on bed rest in impossible. She has no “stop” button. But yesterday the pain was so bad she never left the couch. So this morning, she went back to the ER. I’m waiting for news. We’re praying and hoping that surgery won’t be necessary because…well, surgery without pain meds sucks and we also have a lot of money put into our vacation in September. And if she gets surgery, she really shouldn’t be making a long trip so soon. This whole month has sucked, like, really bad. Probably the worst month to date. I’ve had about 3 panic attacks and I am really, really not in a great place mentally for a few reasons. So this would be the reason for a huge silence. On the brightside, I think my horse’s have sensed this because they’ve been total angels these last few days. I’ve tried to kind of force the images of the accident and Zippy and everything out of my mind, and just go back to my normal at the farm, but some days it just doesn’t work. And considering I’ve been feeding alone, I tend to just kind of sit with one of my horse’s for awhile and just sit. And think about what I want to do in the future.
I’m slightly terrified of riding again.
I didn’t fall off. I have never had a super traumatic experience with my horse’s. But, I’ve seen some scary things. Boarding at a place with new horse’s, colts, and 14 very different, ornery horse’s who like to fight and be bad kind of forces you to see some scary things. I’ve seen so many bad falls at rodeos and barrel races. I’ve seen and read about terrible accidents. And I’ve always been aware that my ride may be my last, that my ride may take a bad turn. But I put my foot in the stirrup anyways and I deal with Red’s antics and I deal with Jubilee’s laziness and I get off happier. And I know my horses are with me for a reason, and I know I couldn’t make it through much without them. And here I am, doubting myself and my horses.
I’m going to make myself ride again. Even if it’s just Jubilee for awhile (that horse..is a total saint. If she dislikes you then she may try to bite your head off but if she likes you, she’ll take care of you. And she seriously does try to take care of me.) because I’m 99% sure I’m going to be the safest on her. And then, I’ll work back up to Red. His back is still healing, so I was almost using it as an excuse to not ride. But then my mother looks at me last night during one of my bad moments, and she says, “You do realize you’re responsible for another horse now? You asked for Jubilee. She’s yours. Don’t let her down.” and I was like, well, darn. I do have another horse. One that needs worked while my other is out of commission and well, no more excuses now. She’s doing fabulous. I’m so proud of her.
Giving up isn’t really a option, so I’ve just been sitting here waiting to see how i feel next week, but I have to stop waiting and just do it.
So. Yes. This update is terrible.
I had to reschedule my farrier today. The guy didn’t show up for Zippy. But, our miniature Cowboy found a home literally down the street from our farm and he’s going to be a little girl’s baby. And that’s good news.